I have just started my recovery in the last month or so. When I went to Nagoya, I wanted to serve the church that I held so near and dear as I served them for the duration of my internship. I taught their children, I prayed with them, I lived life with them. When I came back, things were not as they were. I was held at an arms length. Every effort I put into giving free service to them was ignored. It broke my heart and I could no longer bear to go there and sit quietly on the pew as I watched everyone move around me. 

It was this ache that I used to live my own life, and not one of the Spirit. I sought the companionship of the non-Christians that I knew and although I tried on occasion to bring the gospel, I found that any power I once had to do so was not available to me. After all, I wasn't listening to God why should I invite others to do so? This went on for months. I chose to be alone rather than to face a painful situation. I decided to try to take life on by myself with the misguided concept of thinking that I was there to serve God. "I'll show them", I thought. I was wrong. I became lazy, listless, filled with malaise, jaded, cynical, lustful, and supremely selfish. Finally, I fell defeated and I realized what I had let myself become. It was a painstaking look into the mirror and my reflection wasn't what I wanted to see. 

I planned a hasty retreat to the US in order to find new direction for my life, though it was still not flowing from a heart devoted to God, only a mouth that said it was devoted to God. I knew what I had become, and I hated it and I hated myself for it, but I felt trapped. Then something wonderful happened. A brother in the Tokyo area heard my situation and had compassion on me. Through prayer, God led his people at the church in Fuchu to invite me for a visit. I accepted the invitation, just expecting to see an old friend. What I found instead was the Holy Spirit waiting for me, bringing conviction, the door to repentance, rejuvenation, and restoration. I hastily accepted this offer, because I knew what it would bring and although my flesh wanted desperately to flee from it, my soul which was bought by Jesus called out for it. 

Now, I remember who I am. For a short while, I have felt ashamed of my failed time but through study of the Word here, I have found that many of God's servants have done the same that I have. They had done the same, but had been called back into service, and typically a higher service and state of nearness to God than before. I have found God's people here and I am ready to serve the Lord until the final hour. I am ready to go to the next level of faith and sacrifice. 

I asked myself a question the other day, "What do you want most in this life?" 

I could honestly say that what I wanted more than anything else was to love Jesus more and more, to serve and understand Him better, and to lay down my life as a sacrifice of love to others so that they might accept the call to do the same. 

"  ‘ You are My servant, 
      I have chosen you and have not cast you away: 
       ¹⁰ Fear not, for I am with you; 
      Be not dismayed, for I am your God. 
      I will strengthen you, 
      Yes, I will help you, 
      I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ "

Isaiah 41:9-10